I think I might actually be losing interest in the internet. Tsk.

I've not been going online because I find it too boring, when was the last time I held a proper conversation with anybody, huh?

What I've been doing with my spare time are non-internet related stuff, like taking things apart, modifying the bits and pieces inside and putting it back together.

It gives me a great sense of fulfillment which no amount of time spent on the internet can give me.

Maybe I'll go back online after I'm done with my latest project.

Ciao babies.

I'll sit in the dark and feign productivity.

I'm sure that's what you want.

I hate all this talk, if could just turn down all the volume her, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

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This period of non-employment gives me too much time to think. Too much.

And I've not been my correct self since last night, and I dislike that.

I need to go find my lost self again.

Bye.

Fear makes us all human. It keeps us grounded, prevents us from making unnecessary decisions, makes us cautious of our next move, makes us scrutinize the person next to us. Makes us do many things, really.

Hope is different. It makes us take a plunge into the deep unknown, daring us to go forward, go further than we would normally do to discover whatever it is our hearts desire.

Fear stops us, but hope pushes us.

But when you see your hopes dashed, it's just heartbreaking.

So, hope can make or break you. Fear would probably just put you on an invulnerable path.

Up to you really, do you want to see the world, or do you want to live in a rock?

Oh choices choices, how I love thee.

Dear Dianah-in-the-future,

This is a reminder for you when you are older, supposedly wiser and supposedly have more money than you do in your bank account in 2009.

This is to remind you to not forget your family, to not forget your friends, to never forget your roots and to never erase your past.

Should you be facing any sort of difficulties, please remember that God will always be there every step of the way.

Love,
The lovely Dianah in 2009.

In China, I remember flushing a toilet and instead of going down, it went up. So I had to ran for dear life.

I don't know which is worse, a toilet that doesn't flush, or a toilet that flushes the other way round.

This entry is making me feel queasy.

So how am I supposed to feel now, hmm?

I suppose you'll have to live your life at some point. To not regret later, you will have to take action now.

So I'll just flow with the current.

I think I'll call this my own leap of faith.

Here's to hoping I won't fall flat on my face, cheers.

Hello.

You know, some people can get so pissed over the smallest things. Yeah, people love to make small matters huge.

Then they will act like 'all that', and say that you're wrong in this one and that one.

Again, small matter. Nevermind, let it pass.

At least tell me why, if there's a valid reason then I'll reconsider. Until then, stop making unimportant matters huge.

I got feelings too, you know.

I need to work this out too, if you can't contribute then we're all going nowhere.

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Allah giveth and taketh as He wills.

Life lessons can come in all sorts of ways.

Be it good or sad, there is always a reason behind every event.

I think this one is the hardest yet, especially in the holy month of Ramadhan.

I feel sad, that much is true. Lives lost, lives gained. This one is rather bittersweet, no?

But life goes on, we can't all be stuck in one era.

But right now, I think everyone is lamenting what could have been, and what has been.

I am sad.

It's not easy. Not easy I should say.

In a way it's like waking yourself up from a rather lengthy sleep. Like that man, Rip Van Winkle who woke up from a 20 year sleep.

It's also not easy listening and never being the one talking, or listening and only to exclaim an agreement, or listening but never being posed a question because the answer is written all over so there's no point asking.

Then at night, you lay down to sleep but only end up staring at your pristine white ceiling with various thoughts swirling in your head. Countless what ifs, hows, whats, whens shooting from every corner of your head, at some point becoming some sort of puddle. You close your eyes and pray and pray and pray to God that something changes, that you are give some sort of peace, a peek into what's to come, anything, just anything to put to rest some, if not all of those thoughts in your head.

Sometimes you wonder how much longer things are going to stay the same, and you wait and wait for things to look up. You look around and wonder what it's like to be that person with the BMW, or that person with the always perfect tudung. Pretending to be them but putting down yourself at the same time, what's so good about them that you have to tuck yourself away?

It's no use, things will never look up that way. You can never be another person because you're not the perfect fit, only that person is and you are you.

Accept and move. That's the only way.

Accepting is not my best trait I'm afraid. I'll try.

 Being 20 is one of those big milestones in life. You know that you have to grow up. You can celebrate your youth, but you know it has to be done with a hint of maturity. Being 20 is like that awkward age of 12, no longer a child, not yet a teen either. But this time, not yet a full-fledged adult. You have a year to grow up and learn what it means to be one.

But maybe that's just my assessment. I'm always one to over-dramatize after all. Heh.

I have a lot of things I wish to complete in this decade. Some big some small. I hope I'll be able to accomplish it, insyaAllah.

I didn't 'feel' my past birthdays, but I felt this one alright. Turning another decade altogether would have that effect on a person, I think. 

One might say an epoch, but I think that's taking over-dramatization a bit too far. 

Darn I'm no longer a teenager.

On another note, I'm leaving next year.

 So yesterday was the iftar at MT, and whenever there's an iftar at MT, I will see Ustzh R, and whenever I see Ustzh R I will immediately remember something which happened when I was in P6.

It was a rather free week for all of us because it was after the exams and most teachers would not be entering the class, so I was the one tasked to bring a ball so that we could all play monkey and that was at the level 3 classroom. Without much thought, we played monkey along the corridor, the level 3 corridor. As feared, by me mostly, the ball fell to level 1 with a rather loud thud. I remember feeling scared as hell and my friend volunteered to take the rap for me should anything happen because she was the one who wanted to play.

So we both went down hoping that nobody saw the ball, it was supposed to be lesson time after all. Of course, we were met with the much frowning Ustzh R who scolded us for being careless and said that we were lucky nobody was hit by the ball. The ball was confiscated but then I saw where she put the ball, under her table in the teacher's room. This is where my memory trails off, but I think my friend managed to sneak the ball out and gave it back to me. 

One of my many memories from I. There are many many more, but they require much thought to extract. Meh.

So raya in 2 weeks time, I don't feel it leh. 

I realise I'm getting rather twitchy as of late.

Sorry, waiting for a letter to come for more than a few weeks kind of have that effect on you.

My father wants to paint the unpainted bits of the house after we changed the lights last time. Guess who has to paint the high parts? Whoopee.

It's okay, I like to paint.

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Now that there's a mobile version of LJ, I can do everything using my phone now.

Points go to being lazy.

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No actually none of you do, only I know but I won't enlighten you just because.

I am running out of things to say because I've been doing nothing and time is running out for me because soon it will be September and that is when the window closes. I think I'll survive, one way or another. Meh.

I was having such a wonderful wonderful dream just now but the of course I had to be interrupted by Huda. I am very tempted to switch off my phone now whenever I sleep but what if I miss an important give-me-a-job call? 

Fasting has not been a problem so far, just the occasional hunger pangs but I do other stuff so I could overcome that, if all else fails I'll just force myself to sleep. The more I think about hunger the more I am tempted. Not good. Not good.

Hey it's been a while since I've uploaded any little person pictures. I think there's quite a few pictures waiting, why don't we start?